​Can You Make a Parent Declutter?

by Susan McCarthy
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If one of your parents has died, you may be trying to encourage your living parent to declutter and perhaps downsize the family home. If they are reluctant, or downright belligerent, can you encourage (or force) them to clear stuff out of the house?
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My parents were the type of people who held onto EVERYTHING because it might get used someday. I often offered to declutter for them, thinking that maybe they were too tired from day-to-day activities to deal with sorting through old mail and magazines, and all the other things that were building up in corners of the rooms or the basement.

However, they were always adamant that these things were useful. Instead, I ended up organizing things, which really meant putting things into bins and boxes so the random stuff was gathered. Unfortunately, this often allowed for more stuff to get saved and stored.

I remember for one of my parents’ anniversaries that I offered to clean the basement. My mother insisted that I show her everything before throwing it out. So, okay. I found a damaged badminton set – the net had holes it int and some of the netting was knotted together. And the badminton rackets were held together with tape.

In my mind, this was trash. But when I carried it past my mother, she stopped me and insisted that I return the items to the basement. Thinking that she didn’t see the damage, I pointed out that the set wasn’t something that could get donated.

My mother got upset and told me to put the badminton set back. I couldn’t understand and asked why. Her response? The grandchildren could play with the set someday. Now, she didn’t have grandchildren and it was unlikely to happen.

Still, I was a bit indignant and said, “You want your grandchildren to play with crappy, broken toys?”
If you haven’t already figured it out, the badminton set went back into the basement. Oh, and I stopped trying to clean out the basement for them.

Can You Insist that Your Parents Declutter?

You can do whatever you want, but let me tell you, it won’t work. Yes, you can offer to help but you have to make clear how you’ll help, say giving them final say before items go out the door, or sitting with them while they go through the items that they want to sort through.

I belong to several Facebook groups focused on decluttering and I often see posts from parents complaining about their adult kids decluttering stuff for them…as well as posts from adults expressing anger at their parents’ insistence to hold onto stuff that they obviously don’t need.

Been there, argued about that.

As an adult child of an aging parent or two, you may be thinking ahead to the day you will have to go through everything in the house. From your point of view, you’d like to tackle some of the task now. And I’ve seen parents post complaints about their adult children visiting with a box of trash bags in hand and simply clearing out whatever they deemed unnecessary.

This is not good for your relationship with your parents. Removing things without their approval is treating them like a child and they aren’t going to appreciate that.

It’s frustrating, but it’s their stuff.

I remember my mother returning home from a stay in a rehabilitation center, all of us knowing that this time she’d be in a wheelchair. Now, as I mentioned, my parents had a lot of stuff in the house. In the hallway that lead from the living room down to the bedrooms was a couple of small bookshelves and a low cabinet stacked with boxes of stuff.

My father insisted that everything stay in place, although it would have been a squeeze (if even possible) to roll a wheelchair to the bedroom. So, when my father was out, picking my mother up from the rehab center, my brother and his friend hauled stuff out to the curb.

Now, granted, my father had a collection of old Consumer Report magazines that weren’t going to help him make decisions about any type of purchase (although he insisted that if he bought something secondhand that they would be useful guides) as well as old phonebooks, but, still, they were his stuff.
My father’s response? He went to the curb and hauled everything into the garage, where it stayed.

As tempting as it is to take matters into your own hands, stop and think how you would feel about someone coming into your home and throwing away things that they didn’t think you needed.

Even though some people’s first reaction may be, great!, then I won’t have to do the work, chances are that you’d quickly decide that someone else, even a family member, wouldn’t really understand what you found important and why.
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​So, What Can You Do when Your Parent Refuses to Declutter?

After my mother died, I had to go through her clothing to find her something to wear in her casket. Since she had so much stuff crammed into the closet, I knew I couldn’t return it to the space. I ended up with bags of clothes in the living room. When I asked my father what he wanted me to do with them, he said I could get rid of them.

I was surprised. While I thought this was the start of him letting go of things, nope, after that he refused to get rid of anything.

So, I backed off.

And let me say that it feels weird to take that tact.

Offering to help a parent declutter feels useful. We think our help should be welcome. But they may see it as insulting. They look around and see their possessions but you’re telling them you just see junk.

After offering help, back off. And as I mentioned, define how you’d like to help. For example, you could offer to bring a box of stuff from the attic when you stop to visit once a week. Then they have the week to decide what they’ll do with the items. When you return the following week, you can let them know that you’ll cart anything to the donation center or bring out the trash.

Maybe they’d prefer if you sat with them while they sorted through the items. This may introduce you to some family stories that you haven’t heard.

If none of your offers get enthusiastic acceptance, back off and see if your proposal gets them to start thinking about what your offered.

And if it doesn’t, I hate to say that things will stay as is until your parent passes away. That doesn’t feel great, and you might feel the resentment simmering, but make it your mantra that it’s their stuff.

Unless your parent is in danger…tall stacks of boxes that could topple on them or prevent them from getting to safety in the event of a fire, you can’t make them declutter. Unless your parent can’t cook on the stove or if their refrigerator is filled with rotten food, you can’t make them declutter. If they can sleep in their bed (or recliner, if that’s what they do) and wash themselves and their clothing, you can’t make them declutter.

It will be uncomfortable for you someday. You may cry and curse, but you will know that you didn’t destroy your relationship by taking things from their house and putting it in the trash. Your final loving act will be to help them to declutter the house…when they’re gone.