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Is Your Family Struggling with Your Organizing Systems?

Writer's picture: Susan McCarthySusan McCarthy

Figuring out the organizing systems that work for you is one thing: getting your family to follow those systems is a different challenge.


Woman clutching her head in exasperation next to the headline, "Is your family struggling with your organizing systems?"

“He’s an idiot.”


My husband Mac doesn’t mince words.


I’d just told him about the scenario a woman had laid out for me at the end of a decluttering presentation … no matter how she organized things, her husband relied on her to find things for him (even things left out in the open). And he never returned items to where they belonged.


She was looking for ideas but everything I suggested she’d already done.


Fortunately, this is the first in a series of presentations that I’m teaching at the location, so I told her I’d give it some thought during the week.


I described the situation to my husband to get another perspective and got his succinct answer.


Organizing with Others Who Don’t Value Organization

His thought was that this guy didn’t want to use the systems his wife had set up (and since I hadn’t heard his side of the story, I couldn’t guess about his motives). While describing the scenario, I started to come to this conclusion as well.


Mac and I got to a favorite local restaurant for a late lunch, sat at the bar, and got into a conversation with one of the waitresses about her holiday.


She was describing all her family commitments leading up to Christmas, which meant she couldn’t wrap gifts until late Christmas Eve. Her husband was helping but did such a horrible job on the first gift he wrapped that she realized she’d have to wrap all the gifts on her own.


Two guys sitting near us at the bar overheard her story and they both chimed in with how they were “horrible” at wrapping gifts as well, leaving the task to their wives.


Hmmm, another example of people who chose to play the helpless card as opposed to doing something they didn’t want to do. Was a pattern forming?


The next morning, I was reading a chapter of Angela Duckworth’s book, Grit, where she included a father’s story about his four-year-old not putting his dish in the sink. The dad was recounting the dilemma of pushing his son to do this task (at the end of the day when dad was tired and didn’t feel like dealing with a potential temper tantum) or lowering his “standard of expectations.”


These thoughts and stories had me leaning toward the idea that my program participant’s husband was hoping to wear down his wife’s expectations for him. Maybe he thought she’d give up on organizing the house … or that she’d just find it easier to do things herself and leave him out of it.


You can’t change someone who sees no reason to change.


Cover of the free downloadable guide, Clear the Clutter and Keep It from Returning.

Expectations and Organization

Perhaps you were dealing with clutter and disorganization for a while. You decluttered, but the clutter came back. This process probably repeated for longer than you’d care to admit. Consciously or unconsciously, you likely tweaked what you were doing until you felt that you’d achieved a maintainable level of organization.


This wasn’t a quick or easy process. But, once you figure out the result you wanted and how to maintain it, you want others in your home to do the same. You’ve developed a standard that you now expect to be continued.


But what if this system doesn’t make sense for others in your home? That they forget to put something away in its newly designated spot or that they put it away someplace other than where they found it can feel like they are defying your organizing system with intent.


This is where a calm conversation comes in. How can you help them remember to place x in its new location? Would a bright sticky note prompt them to put away the item?


If their attitude is that it doesn’t matter where the item is stored, your next move may be to refuse to help them find the item when it’s been misplaced. “Oh, that should be in this drawer. I don’t know where it could be if it isn’t here in its spot.”


Or “It’s easier to find things when they get returned to the same place all the time.”


This isn’t about, “Oh, if you just did what I keep telling you to do, we wouldn’t keep having this conversation.”


What Does Organization Mean to You?

When a character in a movie or television show is organized, it’s often played for laughs. The character is presented as ridiculously regimented.


Oatmeal is the only acceptable breakfast option on Tuesdays.


A label maker is an overused tool, even delineating where spoons are stored in the utensil drawer.


They scurry around behind a messy friend or family member, picking up the things that individual is casually strewing here and there.


But organization isn’t about fussiness or perfectionism. It’s not about decanting macaroni into a Mason jar or laundry soap into a decorative bottle. Being organized is functional. It should help you find what you’re looking for when you need it. It should also make it easy to put things away.


What are your expectations for being organized? Could you maintain that standard on a busier than usual week?


In relation to others, do the organizing systems being used give others in your home autonomy? Can they find what they are looking for without asking you for everything? Can they put things away with ease? (For example, without the need to move things out of the way to put something else away.)


If you want to bring ease to your day, you want to organize your home in a way that others can find what they need without constantly asking for your help.


When that doesn’t happen, the system you’re using needs to be changed. If a system only works for you, you’ll be the only one to use it … meaning others in your home will be forced to rely on you.


As fantastic as it would be for others to do what we want, no muss, no fuss, the only time that’s going to happen is when the change you are directing is one that the other person also wants.


Cover of the downloadable guide, Clear the Clutter and Keep It from Returning.

How to Focus Organizing Rules and Systems

Organizing requires compromise to find systems that work for everyone. Compromise isn’t a 50-50 give-and-take. Instead of focusing on the method used, remember the desired result.


You may start with asking that a small area of the kitchen counter remain clear so it’s always available for meal prep … without the need to clean the space first. When that becomes a habit, you could then expand the area to an adjacent section of the counter.


Each small step could take days to form as a habit … or months. The smaller the action, the easier it is to adopt, the more likely others won’t protest the change.


The bigger the change (or the more small changes you try to make all at once) the more pushback (consciously or unconsciously) you can hit.


Change is stressful. New actions to remember and expectations to meet.


It Takes Two (or More) to Play the Organizing Game

You can’t change another person. If another adult refuses to help maintain order to keep the home a functional and pleasant space, the conversation is no longer about decluttering and organizing. (If the other person is a kid, then consider that you are helping them develop life skills.)


However, everyone, adult and child, possesses the capacity to change.


So, what advice can I give to the program participant frustrated by her husband’s refusal (cluelessness?) to work with her attempts to organize their home? Without speaking with her husband to understand if he is intentionally or cluelessly ignoring his wife’s organizing systems, I don’t know if he has a motive.


Part of me wants to tell her to explain to her husband where things are stored and then refuse to jump and acquire items for him. But I also think there needs to be some compromise … find out where her husband wants items stored (and then refuse to hunt down items for him when he puts them someplace else).


It’s never easy when one person decides to get organized but other members of the household (adults and children) aren’t ready for a change. This leaves the realm of organizing methods and swings into behavior change. You’re asking others to change their habits … but if they don’t feel motivated, it’s unlikely to happen.


Getting Organized as a Couple or Family

At some point in your life, did you organize your files, closet, or kitchen cabinets but then failed to maintain the organizing system you created? You may have perfectly followed methods described in a book, class, or video, but it wasn’t a system that functioned for you.


This is the case now, only the system works for you but not others in your home. If you want your home to be more organized, then it becomes the challenge of slowly tweaking or teaching the method you’re using until others in your home begin to use it.


Like most behavior changes, there won’t be a sudden 180-degree turn. When a change doesn’t work, what did you learn? How can you use that information to create the next change?


Some thoughts to help:


  • Use labels (at least until it’s clear that people know how to look for and return an item to this location).


  • Explain that when items are stored in a consistent spot it’s easier and faster for everyone to find what they are looking for.


  • Listen to suggestions from others in your home as to where they’d go to look for items.


  • Define your expectations – the can opener is stored here when it’s not in use. If it’s not there then you won’t help to look for it.


  • If an item isn’t being returned to the space you designated for it, is it consistently set in another location? Could that space become the designated location.


  • Avoid nagging. “The remote control gets put in the red bowl on the coffee table after the television is turned off. If it’s not there, I guess it’s wherever it was set down.”


  • Also, avoid doing things for others (child or adult) because that seems easier. If someone is developmentally able to do a task, they should participate in cleaning and tidying tasks.


  • Focus on one small change at a time. If no one thinks of looking for the can opener in that drawer, even if it seems like the obvious solution, you need to make an adjustment and test that solution.


At the least, your home should be safe and sanitary. There should be no tripping hazards or obstacles blocking doors. Nothing should encourage rodents, insects, or mold. If those situations don’t bother the other person, the solution isn’t cleaning or organizing.


However, that situation is the extreme. In most cases, you’re looking at a conversation about expectations – what does everyone want to be able to do in the house and how will being organized allow for those things to happen?


And remember, chances are that you’ll need to tweak how things are done to find a system that works for you and the others in your home.


I’d love to continue this conversation … please share your comments or questions below.


Pinterst pin with the headline, Is your family struggling with your organizing systems?

A toddler putting their toys in a bin, following their family's organizing system.


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